how to lose friends…

When I think about the life I want to live and the friend I want to be, I can only think about times when I failed. Like, really failed. In fact, my nickname among my friends is The Silent Passenger because when it comes time for opinions to be stated or sides to be chosen, I’ll look out the window, change the subject, or comment on the weather. Which makes me like the two-and-half-piking-with-a-twist Greg Louganis into the pool of avoidance. I’m so good at it, I don’t even make a splash.

In observing culture and social interactions, there are certain things that should be avoided. I’m not a relationship therapist or friendship guru, but I’ve seen some relationships thrive and others strive to make it work.

Instead of listing out how to make a friend [because this will differ for everyone], I’m going to list some simple observations about how to lose a friend.

In trying to cultivate and create opportunities for a relationship, you should never:

• Think of yourself before your friends. This is the best way to wedge out people who want to invest in you! Tell them you meet them after church, then flake. Promise that you’ll call them, then don’t. Say, Yeah, we should hang out, then bail. It’s a fool-proof plan to lose your friends. And be a jerk [Philippians 2:3].
• Say things like, Yeah, we should hang out. The truth is, you never will just hang out because life will get in the way. If you find someone you gel with, bust out the calendar or email some dates for a coffee date or meet up. With that being said, be careful to not come off as the EagerBeaver who whips out your iPhone and twitches with excitement at the possibility of social interaction. You’ll be seen as crazy. And desperate.
• Strive to be in a certain crowd. I’m not talking about a social strata [like cliques, groups, or social classes], I’m talking about trying to be friends at the cost of desperation. There should be a natural fit to your relationship. An ease, of sorts. When you start carrying a 10-pound bible and wearing those jeans and reading that book just to fit it, you’ve lost your unique identity. Be who you is.
• Push away anyone who tells you the truth. Shall I remind you that better are the wounds of a friend than the kisses of an enemy [Proverbs 27:6]? F’real. You need people in your life who will keep it real and tell you when your breath smells, point out when you need an attitude adjustment, or advise you to stop dating that broke brother who ain’t got no job [Proverbs 27:17]. I’ve wrote about this before, but I can’t harp on this enough.
• Take their trusted secrets and share them with everyone you know. Not only will you lose a friend, but you’ll crush someone in the process. And the Lord will eventually shut your mouth [Psalm 101:5]. Even if you think you’re just mentioning it to your prayer group for accountability. Don’t.
• When someone is hungry, thirsty, or in need, ignore them. Don’t act like Jesus if you want to lose a friend! It’s waaaaay too hard. So just ignore their calls or turn a blind eye when they are in need.  But remember: what comes around goes around. What you sow you will reap. When you lose your job and the girl you swore was your Proverbs 31 wife dumps you, don’t be surprised when your bros aren’t around. You ignored them when she came around. Duh.

This is all tongue-in-cheek and in no way do I think I have the corner of the market on friend advice. If you have additional insights, feel free to share them. The forum is open.

Lastly—as a word of encouragement—don’t just sit around and expect people to pursue you. No one will know how fabulous you are unless you put yourself out there. In the words of Nike, Just Do It! And if it doesn’t work, try being the friend to others that you’d want to have.

Your friend,
B

Tags: friends

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